“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks