I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand