i like to flex on them by shrugging
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??