Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.