12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”