If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I can’t stop laughing at this
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.