A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW