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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known