“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?