ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
So the ex texted me