“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.