My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Netflix and awkward silence?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions