jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
reduce, reuse, recycle
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen