friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
no one:
my brain:
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I love twitter
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*