“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Worlds greatest photobomb
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER