I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no