“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume