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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
How times have changed.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
What the hell is going on?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”