[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
How to draw a duck
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal