Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.