popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I love wikipedia
@ candidates for local office
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”