Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.