Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy