Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics