When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.