FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
New mindset, who dis?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok