I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I love the National Park Service.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The honesty is refreshing
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Anime is real
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
New Tinder profile.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.