Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Should I call tech support or pray or what
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.