Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
They’re really bad with fonts.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.