Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, 鈥淒o we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 馃槀
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
{Dictating journal because I鈥檓 too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It鈥檚 a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn鈥檛 feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don鈥檛 just stand there, DO SOMETHING
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot