When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“i miss shittin on people”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.