Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.