Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival