Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.