[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
That earthquake could have been an email.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19