If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.