62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”