Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.