judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her