Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on