I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
do what now??
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.