Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.