*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.