My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.