it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood