nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Venn
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM