Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I have obtained a hat
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside