I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.