Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
You Might Also Like
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.