Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
😂💯
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Mornin
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.